Linguistic woo: Sumerian

Every field of study, no matter how completely unlikely, will have its fair share of woo, fringe “science” and wacky conspiracy theories.

This is an indisputable, scientific fact*.

This is, among other things, because for some people,

It says so right here! In this very old book! Therefore, it must be the truuuuth!

is a sufficient argument proving things that are otherwise impossible to prove, like the existence of giants, Huwawa, deluge, Ishtar, aliens, or fairies. For some people, the older the source text the better, and also, the bigger the chance that hardly anybody will be able to question the way they choose to interpret the super-old source text, which is an added bonus when you are crazy.

Therefore: many magic-practitioners and/or alien conspiracy theorists like to find obscure languages nobody knows and claim,

But it’s written RIGHT HEREEE!

(Only, it’s not)

However, sometimes a slight creative manipulation of written sources is required, and what results is even more craziness  (original spelling preserved):

The sumerian language is one of the oldest languages we know. This release contains only some common words, but the dictionary is ALWAYS under construction, because I will update it as often as I can. Future publications should contain more information about the language (spelling,grammar, …) and MORE words. Also thanX to THE ARRAY. The words of the first publication I have taken of his dictionary.

Ahahahaha. Gosh, that guy, s/h/it fails so much. Where do I even start?

Common sumerian words for magickal purposes

LOL. He’s serious, ’cause he spelled it “magick”. Just so you know.

Cut for self-indulgent linguistic geekery.

Alla Xul = Evil God

I don’t even know what was meant to be written here, because the Sumerian word for god is “dingir” (or, more  accurately, digir spelled with a “g” with this funny little diacritic that says that it’s nasal, ETA: GOT IT: diĝir). Also, “xul” was a reading used for “evil” (hul) long before I was born.

Long before my mum was born.

Perhaps around the time my grandmother was born.

(The one who was a sergeant in the army during WWII, not the one ten years younger)

Dingir Xul = Evil God

Make up your miiiiind, finally, crazy person.

Gelal = Incubus

Since I don’t have the seriously seriously ancient and wrong dictionary of Sumerian that was used to perpetrate this atrocity, I have no idea what sign was misread as “gelal”, but The Pennsylvania Sumerian Dictionary has no hits for “gelal”. Also, additional fail for translating an unidentifiable ancient word with a much later, well-defined one (incubus, plz, for shaaaaame).

Gigim Xul = Evil Spirit

Again, not “xul” but “hul”, and also? “Gigim”, I suppose, might be a misread “gidim”.

Gidim Xul = Evil Ghost

Ahaha. The closest the guy gets to being right. “Gidim” is actually a legitimate Sumerian word, and it actually does mean “ghost, spirit”.

Idimmu = Demon

AHAHAHAHA. GUYS, THIS IS WHERE THE HILARITY STAAARTS. “Idimmu”, an old, outdated reading of  eţemmu IS NOT ACTUALLY A SUMERIAN WORD! IT’S AKKADIAN, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Also, it’s the same word as the above gidim, so the reason why it’s differently translated is completely incomprehensible to me.

Oh wait, the guy, he’s a moron.

Oops. No wonder Cthulhu is never hungry.

What follows, guys, is a pretty long and completely mistranslated list of AKKADIAN WORDS! Which are, Sumerian, because, MAGIC. I mean, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

YAY.

Kibrat Erbettim = Regions of The Four

Of the four what? As it happens, this AKKADIAN phrase means “the four regions of the world”, meaning south, east, west, and north. Oops!

And, of course, the vocabulary that follows, is as far as I read, entirely Akkadian. This is so priceless.

BUT THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING! Because, OMG OMG OMFG, the brilliant person behind this brilliant occultism project then proceeds to tell us that:

Sumer is very likely the first civilization in the world.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA NO. You know, the guys from Jericho beg to differ. Also, please define “civilisation” before you start.

Contrary to the translation of his name, Enki is not the lord of the earth, but of the abzu (the watery abyss and also semen) and of wisdom.

Haha. Sounds like a terrible wanker to me! Also, to my male readers: remember, semen = watery abyss***.

In addition there is evidence of the Sumerians in the
area both prior to the Uruk period and after the Ur III Dynastic period, but relatively little is known about the former age and the latter time period is most heavily dominated by the Babylonians.

Is this some sort of a XIX century adventure novel, with pyramids and ziggurats? Because, for shame.
The “Babylonians” are not Babylonians as in “people who lived in the city called Babylon”, but rather Semitic-languages-speaking immigrants, who must have largely dominated the Ancient Near East by the 2000 at the latest, although there are Semitic names attested in various texts MUCH MUCH earlier. Remember the queen Pu-abi? The one with the pretty jewellery? Her name is Semitic.

Yeah, oops.
* Because I said so**, on Facebook, three years ago. Three years on the internets, that’s prehistory, right?

** It should be noted I said so in Aramaic. You can’t question what is said in Aramaic.
*** Ew ew ew ew.