Hah. So, Dan at Camels with Hammers has an awesome series of posts about gay gay gay gay gayness*, which you should check out if you’re interested in gay gayness and/or  religion 1 * 2 * 3 * 4 * 5 * 6 * . You can also read my very gay post about Leviticus.

(I simply love Leviticus. Whenever I’ve nothing better to do, and whenever I’m down, I just read it and think “well, at least it won’t ever get as bad as that, LOL”**)

However, the hilarity of the day is in the post about the wacky Anglican bishop, with whom we will not concern ourselves, as he’s a typically homophobic specimen of Xian clergy, and therefore, boriiiiiing. What is awesome, is the poor oppressed Christian in the comments:

Why is this so offensive to the homosexual community? If you want to be a part of the religion then you have to accept its doctrines. Or else youre simply not a part of the religion. Even the Devil believes in God, right? I dont get what the homosexual communities issue is. If you aim to change the religion then you’d might as well abandon it or create your own occult practice, because that is just as good as changing the one that is there. Im sorry that you feel unaccepted. But it is what it is. Accept the religion for what it is or dont accept it at all… why the religious intolerance? Is that not hypocritical of you? What are you accomplishing by mutilating a religion and its beliefs just so that you can be accepted into it? Would that help to validate you? Would it help you to feel better and sleep better at night? You might be able to force societies and laws to change, but you cannot force a religion. A religion is by definition spiritual, transcendental. God has spoken, right? The law-setter. No amount of petitioning will change Gods mind. If you dont accept that then you dont believe in the faith. What more is there for you to do?

Predictably, and hilariously enough, the guy’s nickname is Cogito Ergo Sum (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA).

(Perhaps, this is why he hasn’t been posting on his blog — with whose mockery we will proceed below — recently. The not-thinking finally caught up with him and, puff, no more Cogito?)

(What is it with pretentious and dumb people, mostly wingnuts, who chose pretentious and ironically inaccurate nicknames like that? There’s a Polish wingnut online bookstore that’s called Księgarnia Ludzi Myślących, which means “The Bookstore of Thinking People” or some such. They sell stuff like this*** and this and this****. Haha, no)

Anyway, predictably enough, Dan swiftly mauled Cogito, and three months later I couldn’t help but dance a little triumphantly on his several-months old battered carcass.

(I have no idea how Dan manages to be so civil, though. I can’t. Wanted to add a couple of “you fuckwads” for a good measure, but there was no place. Damn. Maybe next time.)

(Note to self: also add more passive-aggressive smileys)

But I digress. The thing is, I’m always on the lookout for interesting blogs and websites that are worthy of my time. It stands to reason then that I would check out Cogito’s blog.

I wasn’t disappointed!

Oh, the hilarity!

First, we have a post about those mean people who use big words. How mean!

It often annoys me to hear people use big words that I don’t know. I know, I know… not to self-deprecate or anything, and certainly not to sound arrogant; I just have issues with people who choose to or habitually use larger words than commonly known.

Wellllllllll. I don’t think “deprecate” really means what you think it means (well, it is a possibility). Look it up! Also, “self-deprecating” is normally an adjective. Also, note how between the first sentence and second sentence “the words I don’t know” become “larger words than commonly known”. Haha, no.

(Also, his English is very awkward. I thought at first he was an ESL learner and wanted to lay off mocking him, but it seems from his posts he’s USian)

Then, right in the second paragraph:

I have a fairly descent vocabulary, myself; a rather large one in fact.

Um, did you mean “decent”? Look it up! Well, anyway, I thought it was a bit arseholish to laugh at people’s spelling, maybe he didn’t have the time, maybe he’s dysgraphic. But then, two lines further:

Further, I write with a much higher vocabulary than I speak. I’m pretty sure that most people are like me in this regard. If you’ve read any of my articles online, you would know the depth of the vocabulary I use.

HAHAHAHAHA PLEASE WRITE ME MOAR. And I’d sort of like to hear him speaking, now.

(Also, WordPress and most other blogging platforms have a nice little tool called “spellcheck”. This is not a big word for you, Cogito, I’d certainly hope.)

A few paragraphs down, we can read about the existential angst Cogito experiences every time some mean person uses a word he doesn’t understand.

When people use large words that I don’t understand I wonder to myself,

  • “Is this person testing my vocabulary? My intellect?”
  • “Is this person testing my pride and seeing if I will ask what the word means?”
  • “Are they trying to sound smarter than they are?”
  • “Does this person actually not think anything of it?”

Narf, narf. Personally, I’d go with option 4. My internet therapist credentials allow me to state a diagnosis of “look, jerk, this is what happens when you’re stupid, full of yourself, and paranoid about people proving you wrong”.

(Incidentally, what a normal****  gay person, like Sara*****, asks herself when she doesn’t understand a word is:

  • Where is my dictionary?*****)

Normally, people don’t spend that much time thinking whether their interlocutor will understand every word they say or not. They just speak the way they’re used to, duh*******. Also, how are you supposed to gauge what your interlocutor can or can’t understand when you don’t try to talk to them first? Are you supposed to think that every person without a formal education is just a nincompoop bum who doesn’t read books and so on? Are you supposed to think that every person wearing a certain sort of clothes is uneducated? Why? That’s classist, and also ignorant stereotyping.

Next,  we have this piece of utter and thorough brilliance that shines like the Sun (or the gospels):

Its my understanding that, for all intent and purpose, the Qu’ran is just another Book, another Word, and yet another “denominational” offshoot of Christianity.  Islam is as valid as, say, Judaism or Protestantism are; each have their place and association with Orthodox Catholicism.

Historically speaking, Islam came about several centuries after Christ and the birth of Catholicism.

OH WOW. First, why do you hate apostrophes? Second, it’s “for all intents and purposes”. Third, Judaism an offshoot of Christianity? Dude, Judaism had been around since long before Xianity wore a nappy and gurgled.

Not to mention? Catholicism is a concept much younger than Christianity itself, oops. Not to mention, trust me, Muhammad knew shit about Catholic dogmas when he wrote the Quran.

Anyway, what follows is a masterpiece of complete and utter ignorance. I had a laugh over it with my fourth and fifth coffee.

Let’s not mock him, though! He’s only bigoted when it comes to the gay gay gay gay gayyyyyyyys.

I am not well versed in the Qu’ran, but after the September 11th disaster and all the anti-Islamic chain mail floating around the internet, I felt compelled to purchase a copy of the Qu’ran.  I was a bit of an amateur theologian even then, but my immediate intention was to verify all of the atheist-writ, Christian-writ, and war-monger-write quotes that supported the bitterness and resentment of the Sep 11 attacks.  I also have a copy of the prophesies of Nostradamus for the same reasons.  I enjoy comparing religions, and if you are a ready of mine you would have read some of what I have to say, and you will likely read a lot more to come.

*Snort*. Amateur indeed. A hint: when you know nothing about something, just say so, instead of using, well, weasel words like  “an amateur (insert profession)”. It’s not cute. It’s just stupid.

I realize that Islam isn’t regarded as a denomination of Christianity. Both the Islamic and the Christian people essentially agree to that.  However, I have found that in  the Qu’ran there are many references to Christ, Christians, and the One True God – and they are spoken of in a positive light.  For all intent and purpose, the Christian God and Allah are one and the same god.  Its basically a proper pronoun, and we can expect some linguistic differences.

Um, not really. Or it depends,. As it happens, Jesus is a prophet in Quran, not god, so. SO MAYBE NOT. The stuff about Islam being a denomination of Xianity though, I sort of can’t make up my mind whether it’s more stupid or more offensive (HULLO, CULTURAL APPROPRIATION).

OK, it’s more offensive:

But the point is simple. The Qu’ran validates Christianity.  It is not an opposing religion, not in the slightest, its not really even a separate religion.  At least, not as the Islamic see it.

YEAH RIGHT.

And again, this is my interpretation based on my own first-hand observations.

Also known as “bullshit” and “anecdotal evidence”.

Anyone who wishes to contradict or disprove this, I welcome the evidence as I always do.  I welcome theologically-based evidence, in this case, since historical accounts and fanaticism never count as proof to anything of a theological nature.

This means actually “only what I say counts as evidence, counts, and I only say that the stuff I agree with counts, so there”.

What I mean is, anyone who is in a position to refute would have at least read the Qu’ran, or the necessary passages to support their claims, and therefore isn’t speaking from a bigoted heart.

Just like he admits that he didn’t finish reading Quran a few paragraphs before, but that doesn’t stop him from writing bullshit about it. SHINE ON YOU DARLING JUST SHINE ON.

There is no legitimate reason why Christians, in particular, should be afraid of Islam or see it as a separate entity.  In many ways, as I see it, Islam should be adopted into Christianity as a denomination.  In fact, I would even argue that the Qu’ran should be adopted as yet another Book, to be integrated into the Biblical scriptures in much the same way that the Apocrypha or Dead Sea Scrolls should be.

YOUR BIOLOGICAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL THEOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS WILL BE ADDED TO OUR OWN. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. Thus spoke the Christian Borg!

Awesome!

From his post about education, one can gather that his political views are privileged-whiney-arsehollerism:

You say that education costs money. I must disagree wholeheartedly. If I truly cared about my education, and just my education, I could pop into the public library day in and day out for the rest of my life. I can literally acquire an education equal to if not surpassing that of any doctorate level graduate – for free – simply by researching in books freely offered by the county, or the internet that is also offered freely at the library.

Yeah, only not. What you’re talking about, Cogito, is called “personal improvement”. I do realise that because of your deep vocabulary issues, you might not know what it means. Therefore, I’ll explicate it to you while being only slightly condescending.

Yes, you can read all sorts of books in your library, and you can learn all sorts of things there. However, education is not just reading books and learning. It’s also interacting with other learning people, a process which is really really fun and rewarding, if you do it right, and which helps you figure out what you’re doing well and what you should improve still. More importantly, no matter how many books you read, this isn’t something you can put into your CV and expect it to help you find a better job as much as putting “PhD, Molecular Biology” will.  Verstanden?

When I was younger I was foolish. I actually spent cold hard cash attending college, getting an education in the subjects that mattered to me… I truly attended college for the education and not for the degree… because I had that same mentality then. Unfortunately, though, I spent a lot of money taking a lot of classes that didnt even pertain to my degree path. And why? Because I wanted to learn those topics… and I did so quite well.

Cackle, cackle, snort. 100 to 1 he simply couldn’t pass his finals. Bitter much?

But while my classmates came and went, many graduated quicker than I, I came to realize that I was wasting my money on an education. An education I was already passionate enough about to learn for free on my own time, anyway. If you want to learn subjects that interest you, do it for free at the library… your passion is already there and so learning on your own accord is not a burden. I learned then that I could get the same education in the same subjects I appreciated at no cost via the library or the internet at home.

Yeah, I gathered how educated you are from your posts. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

In short, my message to Cogito Ergo Sum would be: PLEASE WRITE SOME MOAR. WE NEED ALL THE HILARITY WE CAN GET. THANK YOU <3

* Every time you say “gay”, a fundamentalist theist of some sort froths at the mouth. Let’s see how many times we can say “gay”, shall we?

** It’s sort of sad, but I really do think “LOL”.

*** This one fetishizes Spanish genocide.

**** This one fetishizes Near Eastern genocide.

**** But then, it’s most likely only because I’m gay. I said “gay”!

***** Meeeeeeeeeeeeee.

***** I then look the word up. Then I memorise it, and use it in conversation, especially if I come across a sensitive snoflake with deep vocabulary, such as Cogito Ergo Sum.

We, big-word-using-people, even have our secret handshake! You know, si augur augurem*******.

******* Or should I say “accustomed to”? *Cackles*

******* LATIN HOW MEAAAAAAAAAAAN.

Comments
  1. Dan says:

    You have me in stitches here. This may have been your most hilarious takedown yet. Revisiting his site after today’s revival of interest in him I was thinking you could have a field day with him. And, boy, did you not disappoint…

  2. [...] Anonymous I couldn’t decide whether to go with “loquaciously elucidate” or “elucubrations” BUT I KNO…How hard would it be to eat a journalist alive? (Cannibalism for science)Sendai in Warsaw Quality [...]

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