Why the internet is in fact a satanic invention, and why they taught you all this fancy Unix schtick in Satanic Programming for Linguistics

Posted: July 6, 2009 in atheism, internets, leviticus, linguistics
Tags: , , , , , ,

In the beginning, there was PZ Myers.



Genesis 1:1 (and beyond)

Version 1: (link to the full picture at the Brick Testament)

Version 2: In the beginning Cthulhu created R’lyeh and the earth.

Version 3: Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

Version 4: In the beginning Gloria created the heaven and the earth.
2 And the earth was nanti form, and void; and munge was upon the eke of the deep. And the fairy of Gloria trolled upon the eke of the aquas.

Version 5 and final*: 1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. 2 And darkness was upon the face of the deep; this was due to a malfunction at the Lots Road Power Station. 3 And God said, Let there be light; and there was light, but Eastern Electricity Board said that He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. 4 And God saw the light and it was good; He saw the quarterly bill and that was not good.

Anyway, the bible parody phenomenon is a wholly remarkable thing, which must clearly pre-date the internet by centuries. Sendaianonymous can’t think of a single such an early example at the moment, but that it doesn’t exist is simply inconceivable, so, any potential readers are v. welcome.

(To think for her)

The examples Sendaianonymous chose are interesting because of linguistic, but not only, reasons. They are also fun.

1. Version one is the fairly well-known Brick Testament, as linked above, where the sexy, incestuous shenanigans of various biblical personages *snrk* are depicted by lego figurines.

2. Version two is a whole lot more interesting. It also proves that your decision to take Satanic Corpus Linguistics and Computers for Dummies Linguists at the uni instead of Advanced Survey Methodology was in fact the right one.

They taught you all those fancy Unix commands, didn’t they? Yes, they did. At the time, you were told it was for your own good, mostly to let you work with various corpora; it was, however, a devious lie.

You were taught Programming for Linguistics so that you are able to customize your bible into something much more congruent with reality, and also much more pleasing to our Lord, Cthlulhu.

Version 3 is fairly well known, it must have gone mainstream at least two years ago. It’s written entirely in the lol-cat-ese, and Sendaianonymous would absolutely discourage you from reading it in excerpts larger than two sentences at a time. It makes your eyes bleed**.

Version 4 is awesome, because it’s written in Polari, a sort of cant slang, used first in the theatre millieu, and then by the gay subculture in the era before homosexuality was decriminalised in the UK (it happened not so long ago, by the way, in 1967). Polari is an absolutely fascinating phenomenon, and  Sendaianonymous absolutely recommends further reading***: especially Paul Baker’s Polari – The Lost Language of Gay Men (it’s awefully expensive, though :/) or at least an article by Ian Lucas in Queerly Phrased, entitled “The Colour of His Eyes: Polari and the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence”.

Version 5 is so far Sendaianonymous’ favourite. When it comes down to it, Sendaianonymous is a cheap whore when somebody makes fun of large, bureaucratic organisations: so very very easy.

*Sendaianonymous lied. The final version is her very own Atheist Concise. In its entirety, it goes as follows:

“It was all lies”

With the extra Religious-Accommodationist Appendix of:

“But the incestuoust sex bits were fun, LOL!”

** An experiment with 100 living human participants is pending. Only 40 humanoid hostages can be fitted in Sendaianonymous’ cellar, if there’s to be any air for them to breathe.

*** Sendaianonymous would like to stress that she as a general rule does recommend plenty of further reading, or even reading as such.


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