Caution: what follows is the most whiny, absurd post in the entire blogosphere. Read at your own discretion.
So, recently, I’ve been having trouble sleeping (total number of hours slept tonight: zero; total number of minutes slept tonight: zero; total number of seconds slept tonight: zero; WOE*), so I’ve been listening to audiobooks to fall asleep faster.
Unfortunately, at some point I’ve run out of stuff I brought with me, and, holy Darwin, how many times can a person listen to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy?
(The answer is: many times indeed, but there are limits)
So, I thought, why not look at websites such as Librivox and download something fun? Like, dunno, horror short stories or something like that, and finally sleeeeeeep?
(Yeah, horror stories make me relax. They remind me that as long as there are tentacled blood-thirsty monsters tthere is still hope they could devour the creationists or something, and the world would not be such a bleak place after all)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HOW SILLY.
My Librivox experience consisted of:
1. Listening to people slobbering while speaking. SLOBBERING!
2. Listening to people being unable to pronounce the easiest of words with a modicum of comprehensibility,
3. Listening to people BURPING WHILE READING HOLY DARWIN WHYYYY,
4. Listening to people who believe that if they change the speed of their speech every 5 seconds or so, it clearly means that they can act v well,
5. Listening to people who are convinced that if they change their voice emission randomly, from louder to silent, it will clearly make for a superior sort of reading experience, and finally
6. Listening to people WHO HAVE STUPID VOICES*. AAAAAAARGH. This is, obviously, the most patently absurd of my complaints, and yet, THIS IS ACTUALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand listening to people with stupid voices. It’s infuriating. It makes me from sleepy to homicidal in five seconds. WHYYYYYY. WHYYYYY CAN’T I BE LESS PICKY ABOUT SOMETHING AS ABSURD AS THAT WOEEEEE.
AND STOP SLOBBERING ON YOUR BLOODY MICROPHONES, IDIOTS.
(I will not be pointing fingers MUCH, because, after all, those people volunteered to help other people, who have reading disabilities, or can’t see, or whatever. They’re doubtlessly very nice people. HOWEVER, this version of Chekhov’s The School Mistress IS MOST LIKELY THE WORST RENDITION OF WRITTEN WORD EVER IN THE ENTIRE BLOODY WORLD AND WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS GUY AND DID CHEKHOV KILL HIS PUPPY OR SOMETHING NOOOOOOOOO.)
What I totally recommend, though, is The Beast with Five Fingers, here. Not only is the story actually quite creepy, but the guy who read it? Is awesome awesome awesome, and his voice is actually nice. Phew.
*I slept two hours between 1 pm and 3 pm though *scrunchy face*.
**By which I mean voices, not accents. Accents are great. People should be encouraged to speak with their non-standard accents. It’s part of their identity, and also, non-standard accents are not intrinsically “worse” than the other accents. In fact, the entire ideology of standard language is bollocks.
In fact, a couple of times I ignored THE STUPID VOICE, because the accent was interesting.