There’s no low that’s too low for me to stoop to, darlings. I’m childish, petty, not v nice, and basically absolutely all right with that. Especially when I’m convinced I’m right.
And I usually am.
1. This is just not natural.
This fascinating article from the SEED magazine provides us with many valuable trolling opportunities:
Male big horn sheep live in what are often called “homosexual societies.” They bond through genital licking and anal intercourse, which often ends in ejaculation. If a male sheep chooses to not have gay sex, it becomes a social outcast. Ironically, scientists call such straight-laced males “effeminate.”
Giraffes have all-male orgies. So do bottlenose dolphins, killer whales, gray whales, and West Indian manatees. Japanese macaques, on the other hand, are ardent lesbians; the females enthusiastically mount each other. Bonobos, one of our closest primate relatives, are similar, except that their lesbian sexual encounters occur every two hours. Male bonobos engage in “penis fencing,” which leads, surprisingly enough, to ejaculation. They also give each other genital massages.
As this list of activities suggests, having homosexual sex is the biological equivalent of apple pie: Everybody likes it. At last count, over 450 different vertebrate species could be beheaded in Saudi Arabia.
Do I hear the bigots hetero-panicking yet? Mmmm(1).
Also, a list of gay animals with their gay photos.
2. There’s no gay gene.
There’s no stupid gene, either. And yet!
3. Gays are desperate, hopeless, sad, lonely, miserable people.
a) And you’re so not helping.
b) Ask about how many gay friends the bigot has, and consequently, how they can tell.
c) Tell them to fuck themselves with a coat hanger.
d) Shove the statistics (with explanation) down the bigot’s bigoted throat.
d”) Mention suicidal children.
d””) Say it’s all the bigot’s fault. Make it personal. They will start feeling uncomfortable sooner or later. Stoop as low as possible. Actually, there’s no stooping too low when you’re talking to a person who believes you’re not really human at all, anyway.
4. Oh, and they’re really slutty too.
And yet they would never want to have sex with the bigot.
Bonus: point out that it’s a but bizarre how they keep bringing up the gay sex all the time. Ask them about repression. Mention internalised homophobia. Point out that homophobic males are sort of totally turned on by gay porn.
5. I LOVE gay people, but I just don’t like what they do.
This one’s fairly straightforward. Proceed from a) to b).
a) Take them at face value first. Ask them what is it that they dislike. Do they have issues with your crocheting? Or is it your choice of books? They will become exasperated, and also
b) This way you proved that you’re human. They might suffer from cognitive dissonance now. Hopefully. Proceed to point out nobody is forcing them to have gay sex, and it’s none of their business what other people do. They might have trouble dehumanising you again, because in a) you showed that your resemblance to a real person is uncanny, and you do not look much like the evil child-rapist and fire-breathing demon they pictured you to be.
6. Anal sex causes AIDS/STDs/cancer.
Bonus: all sex causes all sorts of trouble if it’s not safe sex.
7. Gays can change, therefore they should.
Black people can change skin colour — I mean, look at Michael Jackson – therefore, they should.
(Shamelessly stolen from eliwurman)
8. Gay parenting harms children.
a) Ask the bigot whether the parenting of their parents was gay, because it sure harmed them.
b) Get personal. Tell them the bigot’s parenting, as a result of which more hateful homophobic might be brought up, is much moar harmful anything a pair of clueless gays could ever accomplish. They had it coming.
9. The gays already have equal rights, they want special rights!
a) Point out that the right to marry, adopt children, and not have bigoted fuckwits disrupting your life at every opportunity is not in fact a privilege.
b) Or just inform them that while eating Xian children is in fact a bit further down the gay agenda than such basics as gay marriage, you will of course do everything in your power to get your hands on the government-subsidised foetus sushi(2) that you’re clearly entitled to.
10. The bible is crystal-clear on the subject of homosexuality.
Yes. Yes it is.
(The anti-gay arguments used in this post come from the anti-gay bingo card)
(Still 15 to go)
(But you can start trolling now)
(1) Roughgarden’s theory sounds pretty interesting. Will have to pick up the book when I’m less busy.
(2) With salmon and wasabi.