Spring linkspam!

(Because I have to take a break. Pshaw, internet forms, pshaw. Especially if they’re really stupid pdfs that need to be filled out FAIL and sent to like five different secretaries HUMANITY WHAT’S WRONGH WITH YOU *HATES*)

1. Hipster racism – I think this post very articulately sums up what people like Amanda Palmer do.

2. Female astronauts! PRETTY!

3. Goerge Takei in uniform, Brad Altman in a tinfoil, uh, headdress.

It was the tinfoil that totally sold the vid to me.

4. No aliens at Area 51. WO must be terribly disappointed (hurr hurr).

5.  10 Dinge die Sie nicht tun sollten beim Gottesdienst (Ten things you shouldn’t do during a mess)

5, 7, 8 = cool, but the transphobia in 6, not so much.

(Incidentally, this is the first vid that pops out if you search YT for “Gottesdienst”, hurr hurr)

6. Hilarious April Fool’s posts:

6a. by CERN:

“It’s awful”, explains Alain Grand, still shocked by the discovery. “It left horrible tracks inside the detector that made the physicists on duty at the time feel quite sick”.

6b.  via Language Log, the best story of the year: Doctorow and Stross to Write Authorized Sequel to Atlas Shrugged

“But then we realized that both of us shared one important trait with Ayn Rand: all three of us really, really like money. That made it much easier for Cory and I to cash the seven figure check.”

Hurr hurr hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

6c. Silent no longer.

7.  A very insightful post about framing reading books as a moral issue. While I dislike books like the Twilight series as the next sentient person, I also believe that arguing that they ARE BAD FOR THE CHILDRUNZ will get us nowhere. I mean, when you’re a 11 year old, you simply don’t notice stuff like sexism they way you notice it, say, even ten years later. I mean, I do know I would have hated Twilight even as a 11-year old, but only because it was boring, also romance, also boring.  I was into Tolkien and Philip K. Dick when I was 11.

(OTOH, I think Justine Larbalesier goes on a crusade against strawmen when she argues that the issue of reading versus going to play outside is some sort of a problem. I seriously doubt there are parents telling their kids to not go outside to play BECAUSE BOOKS. C’mooooooon)

8. The “new written language” thing everybody and their cousin’s talking about. Seems like a load of bullshit to me, haven’t had the chance to look at the actual paper yet, though.

Amanda Palmer would like to be (as successful as) Lady Gaga, but she can’t. This is because she’s made of fail and all that is wrong and ugly. This is why she’ll say some racist stuff about KKK to sound edgy instead

Guys! It’s morning.

I can tell it’s morning because I’ve only had two coffees, and therefore, the pesky clocks showing me it’s actually 3.12 pm can go and tick arrogantly somewhere else. But I digress!

It’s morning, 26 March 2010. This means an artist called Lady Gaga is currently very popular. Because of my continuing disinterest  in anything that isn’t awful, Petula Clark, more awful, and more awful than Petula Clark, I’m only vaguely aware that Lady Gaga is sort of pretty and wears pretty outfits.

But I digress.

The fact that Lady Gaga is popular means that people who aren’t me noticed her, too. It is actually sort of the point of the whole popularity thing. Some of those people are also much more interested in music than I am.

This can be achieved very easily.

But I digress.

One of those people is Amanda Palmer.  Amanda Palmer is a second-rate alternative (?) starlet who allegedly makes music. She would like to be Tori Amos, but can’t, because only Tori Amos can be Tori Amos. She would also like t be Lady Gaga, but can’t, so she goes for the second best thing, which is: being more edgy than Lady Gaga thus:

This is Amanda Palmer, spreading misinformation about how to be edgy. This is because she secretly wants her potential competitors to come off as gigantic bog-dwelling asswads

A brief analysis of Amamnda Palmer’s insightful tweet can show us two things:

1) She feels strongly about product placement.

2) She feels that her opinion about product placement needs to be expressed with a very poor metaphor that is in fact extremely offensive and upsetting to a lot of people whose friends and families have been killed, injured, threatened and terrorised by the members of the Klan over a period of many years. The metaphor is upsetting and offensive because none of those people, their friends, and families have ever been killed, injured, threatened and terrorised by product placement for being who they are.

Let me explain this with the aid of visual aids:

This is product placement:

By pasting a gigantic photo of Lavazza coffee I am surreptitiously encouraging you to consume more caffeine. Please note how it doesn’t hurt, injure, kill or terrorise you nor your friends or family.

This is what the Klan does:

Note how there isn’t any product placement involved.

This is a rainbow:

Notice how there is no Amanda Palmer anywhere near it.

Also, sometimes a visual aid is worth more than ten thousand words (warning: images of racist violence)

What is this I don’t even-

“Apologise to us for being abused by us and our friends”

Brb, gotta go to a doctor who is 100% sponsored by my taxes, so that I have to pay nothing for the visit.

OH THE HUMANITY

Linkspaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!

1. If at 14 you believe you’re ready to have children, you are of course wrong.

However, if ten or even twenty years later you persist in your delusion  belief  that you were ready to have children at 14? You are totes not ready to have children still.

Hilary Mantel thinks you should be popping out children at 14, which is, like, absolutely not influenced by her being infertile and unhappy about it. Oh, I do realise it must be a terrible tragedy for her, but for some people? Getting pregnant at the age 14 is, too.

(Pity she’s such a douche, her books seem like something I could pick up when my brain needs several days in a semi-enjoyable stand-by mode)

***

2. How (Not) to Write About Africa. (Un?)surprisingly some of those boring, offensive, ridiculous, dehumanizing tropes still persist. Also, an audiovisual aid for those less willing to read (there’re no Morning Musume in there, I promise!):

***

3. NHK website about hikikomori (wiki on hikikomori). I just want to say, at first I snickered at the irony of NHK of all places having a website about hikikomori stuff, then I got sucked in and spent about two hours reading through the FAQ (STATISTICS!!!!!!!!11!1!!).

It’s in Japanese, though.

***

4. Shakesville post about rape culture. I just want to say, I’m sooooooo happy I don’t have to write it.

***

5. How to sell your snake oil thing, or any kind of woo, really. Should be read together with any of Orac’s excellent posts about woomeisters always blaming the patient.

***

6. I’ll freely and nonchalantly admit I only discovered it about a week ago: English without non-Germanic words, aka Uncleftish Beholding. I will also admit that my brain tells me to visualise “uncleftish” every time I hear/see the (non) word.

Suffering ensues.

***

7. An interesting article about the cancer that is killing vampire fiction like you could kill the cancer that is vampire fiction with a different cancer hurr durr Twilight and cultural appropriation. What it lacks is a mention of the problematic portrayal of Quileute in the books (ahahahahaha, BOOKS AHAHAHAHA) in the first place, but this can be easily found with the help of Google and some resourceful typing.

***

8. The crazy terrorist anti-tax guy who crashed into an IRS office is being white-washed by his daughter thus:

Asked whether she considered her father a hero, Stack’s adult daughter, Samantha Dawn Bell, said during a telephone interview broadcast Monday on ABC’s “Good Morning America”: “Yes. Because now maybe people will listen.” But she stressed that his actions were “inappropriate.”

The catch: the daughter lives in Norway. NORWAY! One would think a greedy sociopath tax protester could find a better place to live than Norway:

– The basic tax rate is 28 % of the net income. The social security contribution is 7,8 % of the gross income. Therefore, the total tax rate rarely exceeds 36 %. However, on gross income exceeding NOK 456.400 (relevant as of salary grade 60) a surtax (toppskatt) of 9 % is levied. On gross income exceeding NOK 741.700 (relevant as of salary grade 82) a surtax of 12 % is levied. (source)

Seriously.

(Btw, the income tax is not all the tax that an individual has to pay in Norway. There’s also the so-called wealth tax, so in many cases you’d have to pay much moar)

(Mmmm, taxes  <3)

***

9. I discovered Vox Day(1), the most odious person and at the same time the most pretentious cretin on the internets. Seriously. I expect to have time to make fun of him properly soon.

***

In other news, I’ve been hearing rumours about late (as in, in June) spring in Poland this year. I might have to reconsider my spring break plans.

Also, wisdom tooth is a whore.

(1) Bad pun is  bad, especially as “dei” is totes not pronounced like that.

Bob the Tiny Grey Person had a mental breakdown, so it’s only me this time, sorry

Bob the Tiny Grey Person is still suffering from Acute Cognitive Dissonance after reading that:

“(…)many assumed that the election of Barack Obama was the beginning of a period of post-racialism, a time when the politics of identity had lost some of its corrosiveness.”

in an article about an article about racial issues in Vogue, which said (the second article, hurr hurr) that POC are systematically underrepresented in Vogue. As a result of that criticism:

“In fact, Joanna Douglas, the writer of the piece, received a number of the threatening e-mail messages after the post was picked up by white supremacist sites and sources at the site say that the police have been contacted and an arrest is pending.” [emphasis mine]

Do we get to have white supremacists in a post-racial period, Bob the Tiny Grey person asked no one in particular, and his mental circuits promptly rebooted themselves.

Rebooted themselves ten times.

He’s been catatonic since then.

Anyway! The brave avant-garde of the fashion industry itself themselves again in its unending pursuit of douchebaggery, edginess and equal starvation for all women:

Painting a white model black? Still blackface, still epic fail, episode 12357252

(source, with some moar faily blackface photos)

(via UFB)

ETA: added tags *facepalm*

At first I was like WTF WTF WTF but then I was like:

(for Dan <3)

Because this is about the amount of attention I believe we should give to ridiculous bigots like this one.  Specifically, I mean his laughably inane video about Rick Warren’s hidden homosexual agenda.

(The YT one is totes not available in Europe, but the one from WND should work just fine)

(Before I even start, I’d like to point out how absolutely unimpressed I am with Rick Warren’s fake claims  of concern for gay people. In fact, I’m so unimpressed I might even link to people who will explain to you why His Gay Agenda Is Pastede on Yey)

Anyway, this guy, Molotov, is, like, a real gem.  I mean, he thinks he’s funny or something. He says that people in Uganda should kill gay people because:

– Gen 9:6, Lev 20:13, Ex 22:19

BUT!

Gen 9:6 is actually the following quote:

Whoever sheds the blood of man,
by man shall his blood be shed;
for in the image of God
has God made man.

So, should we kill people who kill other people (that is to say, men)? Like, you know, the anti-gay bigots in Uganda? Ups.

Lev 20:16

‘If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

So, gay sex is Biblically OK as long as it’s between two (or more) women,  not men. Did the anti-gay bigots in Uganda take this into account when they drafted their bill?

I didn’t think so. Ups.

Ex 22:19

Anyone who has sexual relations with an animal must be put to death.

In as much as humans are animals too, heterosexuals are having sexual relations with animals as well. In as much as having sex with members of a different species should be forbidden, it still has nothing to do with  anti-gay bigotry. Unless you’d want to argue that homosexuality makes you a member of a different species, which, hah, wouldn’t go down very well.

Ups. Try harder,  Molotov, try harder!

– “unless there are some Biblical passages that I’ve missed”

Yes, in fact quite a few. For starters Lev 11:9-12 or Lev 19:19, darling <3

– Killing people is OK ’cause it was God who created the death penalty

BUT!

Well, I went to check out the Book of Genesis again. I expected something like:

By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he created  the death penalty, waterboarding and Superbowl commercials, and then he rested  from all his work.  And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he created the death penalty, waterboarding and Superbowl commercials, and  rested from all the work of creating that he had done. And then God watched Buffy.

You know, a little bit of omnipotent multitasking. I mean, I’ve normally a pretty relaxed attitude: show me a Bible verse, and I’ll laugh at you. Heartilly.

But this time? There was no quote!!!

Can you believe it?! The Bible never mentions god inventing the capital punishment and waterboarding! This must be the Liberal Bias showing, clearly.

– the USian Founding Fathers were totes for killing the gay with fire

BUT!

HURR DURR

Also, even if they were, what do they have to do with Uganda? Didn’t somebody say that Uganda is a sovereign nation around 1:55? Ups.

– Evil Homosexual king required all men in the kingdom [of Budanga] to submit to his sexual desires (wah wah wah)

BUT!

Orly? Also, what does it has to do with anything? I mean, in 1675 it came to light that the Marquise de Brinvilliers poisoned a lot of her relatives. Does it mean we should murder all French women now?

Didn’t think so, ups.

– persecuting gays is part of Ugandan culture

BUT!

Yes, ever since Xian missionaries taught people to hate the gay. Ups.

– liberuls only embrace multi-culturalism when it suits them

HURR DURR POT-KETTLE

– if they [the gays] don’t like the law, they can always leave!11!111

BUT!

Orly? Also, Molotov, princess, if you hate America with its distinct lack of legalised gay-killing, why don’t you just leave? Instead of posting spurious videos on YouTube? Ups.

– “Don’t think our Founding Fathers wouldn’t support this legislation.”

BUT!

How are they relevant? Uganda is an independent nation, after all. Also, clearly Molotov doesn’t think very often, does he?

– NOT LIEK THE NAZIS!11!!!!!

ORLY? Funny that you should mention it…

-NOT  WITCHHUNT!111!111!

ORLY:

“The term “witch-hunt” is often used by analogy to refer to panic-induced searches for perceived wrong-doers other than witches.”

-“they don’t want to kill homosexuals, they just want them to stop practicing the homosexual act”

Oh, because what two (or more) consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedrooms concerns them how? Also, gee, thanks for being so tolerant! I mean, they could kill people like me! But in their boundless generosity, they will only shower them with the Xian love beat them up a bit, ruin their lives, maybe imprison them and kill them only if they’re really obstinate about not stopping to be gay.

I cried, a little.

And the cherry on top of epic fail:

-“Like the great Dr. King told us, ‘the moral arm of the universe is long but it bends towards justice.’ Ugandans, stay on the right side of history.”

Ooooh, I get it now! This is, clearly, the right wing logic sort of thing. This is when you say that when Bush started the war in Iraq, he was just liek Gandhi, and when Hitler started killing Jewish people, he was just liek Jesus, and Ted Haggard is a completely heterosexual magical glittery unicorn.

Sleep well, my prince Molotov.

BUT WAIT! I like happy endings, therefore, have some Gay Agenda (via nameste via mrw):

There’s no forum vile enough, no bottomless trollpit into which I will dare not venture in search of moar crazy

Very few of my readers realise that neo-Nazis these days are progressive enough to have their own forums for neo-Nazi women, where they can be racist dickwads, obnoxious cretins, and all around special snowflake drama queens.

Now, sometimes IRL we observe what I  like to call The Patriarchy Little Helper’s Dilemma. It occurs when a sexist woman is on the one hand flattered when a man complements her appearance, because she doesn’t see anything wrong in being constantly judged on the basis of her looks and objectified. On the other hand, though, she doesn’t want other people to think that she’s a “slut”, so she will feel obliged to engage in some fake outrage, while at the same calling a lot of attention to the fact that a man said she had great tits.

I am not saying, of course, that all women are faking outrage when complemented (“nice tie!”) or sexually harassed (“nice tits!”) by men; it’s just that my anecdata support a conjecture that says that this sort of behaviour seems prevalent in certain patriarchy-fangirling demographics.

There is, however, one way of taking this faux!outrage routine to the next level. It is only possible when you’re completely, out-of-your-mind batshit crazy.

(Warning: the quotations used in this post will contain very offensive language. The actual content is even more offensive. Also, while for normal, sane people this will read like a crazy Poe trollfest, I’d like to remind you that those people are actually for real)

Sooo, on Stormfront(1) we have a very interesting(2) thread titled:

hit on by negros!

Ouch.

You see, user leshi is very concerned because:

In the last year, I’ve been “hit on” (complimented, flirted at, had sexual comments made to, followed around) by a record 4 black men and 1 white (a friend of mine). Perplexed, I asked said friend and his response was, “They like small white women with nice figures.”

Yes. They like to eat them. I know that because they invited me over, once.

User leshi continues:

Dressing like a nun isn’t the solution, I suppose,

I suppose not, but I heard that burqa might be a better solution(3).

I wish there were some subtle nonabrasive sign I put up saying “black men need not apply” Perhaps go goth again?

Goth? But will she be bartending in the dark?

User Reality Hack chimes in:

I have this problem, also. The worst places are the mall and the grocery store, it never fails – there is always some group of Negroes catcalling at me, or some lone darkie following me around. Yet, I never get approached by white men. I don’t understand why.

Me neither. It might be your “Hitler was right” T-shirt or something.

Or the white hat.

User Reality Hack then offers some valuable advice:

On the other hand, saying “I only like white men” completely pisses them off, for whatever reason. 

YEAH I WONDER WHY. HOW UNREASONABLE OF THEM, REALLY.

User Vigdis has seen the problem exacerbating over the years:

Ugh. Add me to this list. I’ve had this problem for most of my life but it has steadily grown worse. It is almost as if they are growing aggressive in attempts to hook up with white women.

YEAH THE GALL OF THOSE BROWN PEOPLE. EVER SINCE THEY STARTED BELIEVING THEY’RE HUMAN, JUST LIKE US, THEY’VE BECOME COMPLETELY INTOLERABLE.

THE OUTRAGE, THE OUTRAGE!1!1111!!1!!

A user who very aptly names themselves Mensch 2.0 brings an uplifting anecdote:

I saw something that really works in this situation. Once, a really attractive girl, about 25, came to work for us. She was of Swedish extraction. She showed no interest in Negroes at all. Once, a black guy hit on her in my presence. She had a great response, for which the Negro had no comeback. She said after being asked for a date: “No, I stick to my own kind.” It was over and it was as simple as that. Unless this Negro wanted to get ugly and racial he followed the only option open to him. He just walked away.

And then everybody stood up and clapped their hands, and the mayor gave the white woman a lollipop and a medal and the key to the town, and her portrait was hanged in the townhall, where little white children cherubs  would come and leave flowers and candy and pray.

But user leshi has some moar pearls of wisdom to share with us:

The thing that bugs me most is that I’ve never had this problem until this last year.

Clearly, this must be all Obama’s fault.

Part of me no longer feels safe to go out alone because, apparently, being seen as a desired mate could eventually become being seen as a potential rape target.

Yes. When I meet a potential partner, I immediately set out on the quest to rape her. When I succeed, I just drag her off to my cave, where she has to edit my manuscripts all day.

I’m a good girlfriend, though. I feed her.

Sometimes.

The problems user rena2 faces in the course of her daily trials and tribulations in the post-racial society are a bit different:

Funny. I can think of only one time I was hit on by a black dude. They never seem to bug me. Its Mexican guys that always come bothering me.

Funny. From my European perspective Mexicans are perfectly white, too. Interesting how whiteness seem much more exclusive on Stormfront(4).

User Suzanne Sugarbaker has some more personal anecdotes, some of the firmly entrenched in the territory of TMI:

I get that every so often. I have gotten to the point in the last several years that seeing a black person just makes me want to puke, especially black guys looking at me like piece of meat.

Aw, puke away, darling.

Also: “piece of meat”? I’d rather be inclined to think it’s your KKK paraphernalia  or whatnot, but whatevs!

User No Shame has, it would seem, come across similar problems repeatedly, too:

When I was in my teens & 20’s I rarely ever got hit on by black men.

Please note how she’s evoking the bucolic Mythic Time before the Fall of Humanity started, that is, the idyllic time of racial segregation.

Nowadays, I can’t seem to go anywhere without being ogled and/or hit on by them. Everytime I hear some “Hey shawty…” bull I want to scream. Mexicans seem to like staring, hissing, and making lewd gestures but they never approach me. Maybe I should go goth again too.

This part of user No Shame’s opinion is based on the “corruption of humanity” trope. What is conspicuously absent, is the heroic protagonist whose actions will the restore the universe to the initial order, also known as  Good Old Times, when even nostalgia was better than it is these days.

Use Future Lawyer(5) shares de crème de la crème of right wing esprit with the rest of the internets:

There is no way to let these know in a nice manner that the only chocolate I like is ice cream

Are you laughing yet?

User *Aurora* seems to be suffering from a  severe case of batshititis:

When hit on by a negro, my first reaction is to litteraly run away.

“litteraly”? What did litter do to her? And, more importantly, was the litter black?

I absolutely can’t stand the fact of one touching me or the thought alone of it. I walk ad fast as I can and if it keeps following me I start yelling and make sure everybody around me hears me loud and clear.

This bloke my brain a little because:

and if it keeps following me

IT? IT??? I DON’T EVEN-

However, user *Aurora* has a way to cope:

Negros usually can’t stand metal.

I thought it was the witches. My bad.

User crowcity shows off her amazing right wing sense of humour:

I try to ignore them, but sometimes if I’m in an extremely good mood I just grin and say ‘ Sorry, I’m a Klan member’. The look on their face is absolutely priceless.

How droll!

User WarMaiden is so superior that her ravings seems completely incoherent. Don’t be deceived, though, it’s just a clever ruse! She also longs for everything to be Right again:

He then moved sits and said enjoy your day… Who the hell do these freaks think they are? all i was thinking was, 40/50 years ago monkey boy would have been lynched for having the balls to speak to me, oh how times have changed..

Adorable, right? Nothing screams “superiority” as loud as enjoying the prospect of your fellow human being getting brutally murdered for having the gall to tell you to enjoy your day.

This goes on for 27 pages, guys. TWENTY SEVEN BLOODY PAGES.

The funny part is, the next person to tell me BUT THERE IS NO RACISM ANYMOAR!11!111 will get this post read to them aloud.

Three times.

Ah, schadenfreude.

(1) Yes!

(2) By which I mean, a very disturbing.

(3) NOT.

(4) Or, you know. NOT.

(5) Shudder, shudder, twitch, twitch.

The abyss! It’s bottomless

So, whenever you think that woomeisters  couldn’t possibly stoop as low as to do something really really horrible, they always disappoint you. I mean:

There are concerns the detectors have failed to stop bomb attacks which have killed hundreds of people.

What sort of detector would that be? And why would anybody buy it in the first place? And for 40000$/piece, no less?

Ah:

The device consists of a swivelling aerial mounted to a hinge on a hand-grip. It does not operate by battery, instead promotional material says it is powered only by the user’s static electricity.

Ouch. Also:

Mr McCormick has said the device, sold from offices in Sparkford, Somerset, used special electronic cards slotted into it to detect explosives.

But a BBC Newsnight investigation reported that a computer laboratory said the card it examined contained only a tag used by shops to prevent theft.

Mr McCormick is the original scammer, I believe.

Personally, I also believe, he should walk through a minefield or something equally explosive  to prove the efficacy of his contraption. I mean, it’s only fair. Since he still insists it’s working.

The device was sold, apart from Iraq, to 20 other mostly Far Eastern countries.

It’s a bit hard to tell what’s most appalling part about the entire incident; the deaths that were indubitably caused by evidently useless equipment, the racist neocolonialist behaviour of the scammer (LOL LET’S SELL THIS SHINY MAGICAL BEADS WANDS TO THOSE STUPID BROWN PEOPLE IT’S NOT LIKE THEY COULD EVER NOTICE ANYWAY, LOLOLOL!!!1!!), or the fact that nobody noticed it until now.

Some more ridiculous claims about the purported efficacy of the device were listed here.

ETA: via #ttdkn, of course <3

My Haiti post (will I get a Canadian passport if I sell mine on Ebay?)

By now everyone must have surely heard about the terrible earthquake on Haiti, a country that has been continuously affected by every disaster possible for many years.

1. The number of dead is estimated to be between 50 – 100 000, and the number of people affected might be as large as 3 ooo ooo.

Therefore, it is imperative that we donate  money!

Medicins sans frontieres (you can select your country from the drop-down menu to the left)

Red Cross (international site, and the donation form is here)

UNICEF (international) (Germany) (Poland) (USA)

Meanwhile, the penny-pinching manwhores from the government of my country, Poland, generously pledged to donate 50 000$. This is FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. I’m not kidding.

As my friend said, half a cent per dead person, won’t even be enough for the obolus for Charon’s services.

When I go back for winter holidays, I pledge to eat the Prime Minister. I will then sell the footage of me eating the Prime Minister on Ebay, the proceeds will go to charity. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Meanwhile, the Canadians sure must feel proud to be Canadian:

The Government of Canada will match the contributions of individual Canadians to eligible Canadian charitable organizations in support of humanitarian and recovery efforts in response to the earthquake in Haiti, up to a total of $50 million. The Canadian International Development Agency (CIDA) will allocate these funds to Canadian and international humanitarian and development organizations.

Yes. Yes. This is what everybody else  should be doing, too. Can I get a Canadian passport now? I’m a good law-abiding  investment citizen and will have two PhDs at some point!

2. Meanwhile, concerned Christians are showing the Christian love to the world by the means of, as usual, being complete, unabashed, inhuman, pathetic, self-centered fucking arseholes.

Exhibit one, Pat “Fucking arsehole” Robertson:

PAT ROBERTSON: And, you know, Kristi, something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, “We will serve you if you will get us free from the French.” True story. And so, the devil said, “OK, it’s a deal.”

And they kicked the French out. You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other. Desperately poor. That island of Hispaniola is one island. It’s cut down the middle. On the one side is Haiti; on the other side is the Dominican Republic. Dominican Republic is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, et cetera. Haiti is in desperate poverty. Same island. They need to have and we need to pray for them a great turning to God. And out of this tragedy, I’m optimistic something good may come. But right now, we’re helping the suffering people, and the suffering is unimaginable.

KRISTI WATTS (co-host): Absolutely, Pat.

Wow, the stupidity, inhumanity and uncannily hyaena-like behaviour are stupefying, which does not surprise me in the least. I mean, this is Pat Robertson? What did you expect? Pink teddy bears and roses?

Yeah, didn’t think so.

HOWEVER, what at least I didn’t know is that the “pact with the devil” thing is not something Le Fucking Arsehole made up on his own. No; it seems to be a spurious meme that has been circulating among Pentecostals for some time now, according to several sources:

1. Jean Gelin, a Haitian pastor.

For quite some time now, several articles on the Internet have mentioned the existence of an iron pig statue in Port-au-Prince as a monument to commemorate Haiti’s so-called pact with the devil through Vodou. The statue would be in remembrance of a pig that was killed during the gathering by the African slaves. In an effort to know more about that rumor, I contacted several authors about the exact location of the pig statue that’s incidentally nowhere to be found in the country. Their answer was complete silence, a simple apology, or just the removal of the reference from their texts.

2. Bartholomew’s Notes on Religion has several very interesting quotes as well as links to more resources:

This supposed pact has been obsessed over before by neo-Pentecostal Christians who regard spiritual causality as the directing force behind world events. In 2004, The Revealer noted the views of Terry W. Snow, country director of Youth with a Mission, who described the pact but also announced that it was at an end:

“2004 will be the official ending of the 200 year pact known as the Boukman Contract. (See below for more details.) Made by a slave named Boukman, who was considered to be a great witchdoctor, the contract surrendered the Haitian people to spiritual slavery through a voodoo ceremony, in exchange for their physical freedom. On the night of August 14, 1791 the sacrifice was made and the contract agreed to. However, it wouldn’t be until January 1, 1804 that Haiti was recognized as the first independent black nation in the world.”

(Also, another one of Bartholomew’s  entries in which he writes about a Pentecostal who believes that the Japanese (shintoistic) sun goddess Amaterasu is the Biblical harlot. Also, there are demonic influences.

I giggled while typing that. I guess Shinto must be the perfect opportunity for crackpots to emit drivel all over the memosphere. I mean, many parts of many rituals, including the ritual speech, are completely incomprehensible for modern scholars, not to mention modern Japanese. The opportunities for making up stuff are endless!)

3. Linked by Bartholomew is a fascinating, detailed post by Rachel Tabachnick which sheds some more light on the historical background of the entire legend. Unsurprisingly, there’s colonialism, racism, Christian asshattery and blood libel:

The Haitian revolution against their French masters put the “fear of God” into colonial empires around the world. It was believed that the rebellion could not have possibly been achieved by any other power than the devil himself. The myths were embellished by people like Sir Spencer St. John, a British consul to Haiti  who published the 1886 book The Black Republic. He claimed that “Vaudoux” practicing Haitians were cannibals who sacrificed children.  St. John’s writings were widely published to support the claim that Haitians were not capable of self-rule.  The characterization has since been used to justify “recolonizing” Haiti’s land and economy as a source of low wage labor, a struggle which continued for generations.

Gee, who would have thought? Also, more blood libel:

Following is an example of the propaganda used to promote Haiti’s National Day of Prayer in 1997, sponsored by “Vision Haiti.”

“Last week a baby was stolen from the hospital in St. Marc. The reason the child is to be sacrificed to appease the Voodoo gods for the so-called special day of celebration. There are generally two ways they sacrifice children. One is in a large grinding pot. They place the child in the pot and proceed to grind the child while still alive. The other way is even more demonic as they hang the child upside down by his feet and place a large bowl beneath him. The child hangs until dead as the body releases its fluids into the bowl. The bowl is then placed in the sun to dry. Afterward, the priest takes what is left of the young child and grinds the body into a powder to use for his Voodoo ceremony.Can you imagine?

This is the kind of satanic worship and bondage that has gripped the Haitian people for over 200 years.”

I’d like to say this surprises me, but no. Unfortunately not.

(Especially not after the blood libel urban legends spread about the Chinese by other fundie groups.)

This quote is particularly telling of the theist research standards:

In 2003 Jean-Bertrand Aristide, then president of Haiti,  recognized voodoo as an official state religion. Link to the BBC report. Subsequently Christianity Today published an October 2003 article reporting that this had created fears among some Christians concerned that Aristide might be planning to “renew the 200-year old pact with the devil.”  Christianity Today also repeated the infant abduction story although they stated that it was “unconfirmed.”

“Unconfirmed”. Awesome. But you know, they aren’t doing anything wrong! Just asking questions! Why wouldn’t they be allowed to just ask question? Think out loud? Wonder? The’re just conceeeerned!!!1111111

4. Finally, the Haiti ambassador in the US pwns Le Fucking Arsehole liek, totally:

“So, what pact the Haitians made with the devil has helped the United States become what it is (…)”

Oops. (Link goes to the delicious video, by the way.)

5. Also, the USian White House did something very right, too:

White House Says Haiti Statements by Robertson and Limbaugh Are “Really Stupid”

Yes, thank you for that.

6. And while we are at it, Le Fucking Dickwad, Rush Limbaugh, also was adamant about letting us know what his thoughts on yaoi Haiti are (I’m not linking to his website. Google it if you like):

“Would you trust that the money is going to go to Haiti?” Limbaugh said. “Would you trust that your name is going to end up on a mailing list for the Obama people to start asking you for campaign donations for him and other causes?”

Limbaugh added, “besides, we’ve already donated to Haiti.  It’s called the US income tax.”

Yeah riiiiiiight. Because you’re paying taxes so that the lazy foreign brown people can spend their lazy days not pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, while you work your arse off. Taxes, of course, have nothing at all to do with the existence of public schools, or public healthcare (oops, wrong country!), or, I dunno, public roads, maybe? No, of course not. All those things happen thanks to magic, wishful thinking and Jesus.

In that order.

In other words, die in a fire, Rush!

Also, I will now donate moar money out of spite.

It would seem…

…that everybody is racist on the internets today, so I’m looking at wombats.

Wombats!

Oh, everything’s better with wombats.

(If only they would grow claws and teeth and eat Hollywood, the dumb Heroes guy, and basically all the people I’m too lazy to mention? They could also transform into giant robots, sort of like Kim Dzong Il)

I mean, wombats! Adorable!